You know, when people say that, I didn’t expect them to actually not take baths. However, I find that to be just the case.
If you’ve ever heard the tech support horror story about people that were simply too dumb to operate a computer, and were told to box it up and send it back for selfsame reason, they all shop at my OD. They are all sent to me in an attempt to see if I will kill a customer on the floor, beating them to death with a rolled-up mousepad. Case in point-this is an actual conversation I had last night.
Customer (holding what appears to be a mangled ethernet cable): Where’s the buffalo-net cables?
Me: You’re holding an ethernet cable. Do you need one of those?
Customer: Yeah. That’s what I need. Do you guys cut them down to fit here?
Me: We offer crimpers and ends to make your own custom cables.
Customer: No, cuttin’ down the sides to fit in here. (He produces the most destroyed modem I’ve ever seen that has a glimmer of hope of functionality, if it didn’t have a hacked up RJ45 stuffed into it somehow…) The AT&T says we gots to has this cable here, but it’s too big to fit in here-what the hell was they thinking?
Me: That’s because this is a modem. It’s physically incompatible with a modem.
(Customer stares blankly.)
Me: You need an ethernet port. Does your computer have one?
Customer: It’s a nine year old HP. What the hell would it have one of those for?
Me: You’ll have to have one to hook up the computer to high-speed internet.
Customer: How the hell do you expect me to hook the screen up? The modem is what needs the port!
(I realize I’ve truly got a keeper. However, I don’t want it. I try to throw it back. As I do, he’s joined by Jabba the Wife. Less the size, more the attitude.)
Wife: What’s he saying?
Customer: He says this isn’t gonna work.
Me: You just need to install an ethernet card in your PC and you should be OK. (If not, you’re AT&T’s baby then.) We have them right here. It’ll go in the same spot where your modem came out.
Customer: Where I took this out of the modem?
Me: You’re holding a modem. (Holds up box, clearly labeled a modem. It appears to match theirs.)
(Customer and wife stare blankly. They squint at the box, clearly not recognizing anything on it. As they hold up the modem to the box, they slowly realize they are the same.)
Me: You’ll need this to accept the cable. (I open the box and snap the free end of the mangled cable into the port on the ethernet card.)
(Customer appears as if I’ve done a magic trick. My spirits sink even lower.)
Customer: So what, just put this in the modem and it will work?
Me: Yes, after you install the drivers.
Wife: You mean I’m gonna lose everything?
Me: No, you just have to install a piece of software.
Customer: You’re gonna have to reboot it. We’re gonna lose everything.
Me: Not at all, you just have to add a little to it.
Customer: You obviously don’t know ****. We’ll put this in, but she’s gonna lose everything.
Me: Well, AT&T can install it and make sure you don’t lose anything.
Customer: Those ****ers gave me this-it didn’t even fit my computer. You think I’m gonna trust them?
Me: You are paying them for DSL. I would think that meant they knew what they were doing.
Wife: He sounds like he has a point. Let’s just pay them to fix it.
(Customer and wife wander off arguing. I find out later they bought the card.)
They were both truly illiterate, which is a very sad thing, but worse than that they were proud of their ignorance. I can’t stand that attitude.
However, I’m listening for the door. It’s new computer day!
